Why can’t things just be easy??

Why is it that having a baby or even getting pregnant has to be so difficult? Why is it that I can get pregnant the first time around and have absolutely no problems, but yet we want to expand our little family and for almost 2 years we can’t get pregnant?? Now I’m taking this medication, that is making me so sick that I don’t even want to eat. I know I waned to loose weight and I’ve started going to the gym, but this is getting ridiculous I don’t even want to think about what’s for dinner let alone cook it and I know I still have Rick & Michaela to consider and it sucks that I don’t even want dinner. What the hell is it going to be like when I do get pregnant? I had terrible morning sickness with Michaela, and I can only imagine what that’s going to be like on top of this.

Don’t get me wrong these meds are obviously helping as I actually had a period all by myself after 3 months of not having one, but the side effects are killing me. I honestly have no clue how Rick feels about this either. At one point I didn’t think he even wanted to have another baby, but when I ask him he says “yeah, yeah, I want a baby” but he just doesn’t seem as excited about it, and it’s hard to gauge what he wants. I just don’t know if he says he wants a baby because he knows I really want another baby or what it is. Maybe once I’m pregnant again he’ll be a little more excited, but I would like him to be excited about the whole process and us getting to create another life together. I feel that I am putting my body thru this crap and he’s not being very supportive. I know there’s not that much that he can do while I’m in the bathroom for hours, or I’m up at 3am on a work night as I have a horrible stomach ache etc. but just him being excited about the fact that these meds are working, that we could be having a baby at the end of the year would be a little more motivation to stay on the meds. I told him today that I didn’t know if I wanted to keep this up or if I wanted to give up and almost cried over it (we were on the phone) and he didn’t really say anything.

Tomorrow he is going to re-do his sperm count test (yeah it wasn’t just me) and it seems like that’s not a priority for him, we honestly can’t get pregnant with out that. I know it’s not the most glorifying or easy tests to do, but I have had surgery, and now I’m on a medication that upsets my system so bad I want to just crawl in a hole and die, and he can’t do one simple thing to make sure that we’re fully good to go next month once we know if I ovulated this month by myself or not. Maybe I’m just harping on about a baby too much and it’s seriously not something he wants to do and he just doesn’t want to tell me so.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my time with Michaela and the fact that we have a 3 year old, I would just like to have another baby and complete our family. I would like our kids to kinda be close in age instead of how my siblings and I are who are 8 or more years younger than me. I know my biological clock isn’t ticking cuz I’m only 25, but I want michaela to have someone to “grow up” with and not watch them grow up years after you’ve done the same thing. I want our kids to be close and I think that an age gap sometimes does not help.

well, I’m off to head to bed.


January 23, 2007. TTC.

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